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What does a sad, down coach look like? And what does it have to do with you?

We all have down days, don’t we? Anyone that says they don’t is lying to themselves and those around them and that’s not healthy.

I was just posting to a confidential group about a plan of action we are working on and someone said these harmless in essence nice words “I can help out Mandie, just let me know how.” And as I read them, I burst into tears.

Where the hell did that come from, I thought?

Only to be completely unsurprised by my answers.

You see even coach’s have tough days, sad days, frustrating days, it’s just we tend to not stay there for long. I’ve spent over 25 years of my life working on personal development and emotional intelligence because I fundamentally believe it is the key to success. Everything else is put on the foundation of the quality of what you think, so it stands to reason we would work hard to ensure we are powering up thoughts (and actions) as much as possible right?

That harmless kind question threw me, because while my own life is hunky dory, literally (I know people’s hatred of that word, don’t worry, it really was literally) surrounded by Disney Princesses, mega successful clients and laughter and joy. Members of my family are going through some very awful times.

For one member of my family they are going through 5 of the top 10 things that are likely to cause stress in your lifetime and guess who they are relying on? Yes, me.

That is going to take its toll isn’t it?

But like so many of us, I now accept I’d buried how awful it is. I realised in the last few days I was wanting to hide, and now on reflection I realised I was starting to daydream about living on a desert island with a hubby a dog and some good books.

The thing is these situations are out of my control and I could actually lose this person that I love so much from my life due to 2 of the things they are going through. I feel helpless and frightened. None of those can be good for a person, right?

So, what can I do?

  1. I can accept I’m doing everything I can. (I’m getting told that by many people in authoritative roles at the moment!
  2. I can practice self-love and self-care. (We all need to know what that looks like, so have a bath at a random time of the day – heck in your lunchbreak! And really throw the rules out the window!) So today, work out what your own self love and self-care regime would look like – and no that’s not chocolate, wine and hiding under a duvet for 3 months! And yes in highly corporate environment coaching teams of leaders on time management, leadership and success we talk about this stuff too, because it matters to us all!
  3. I can ask for space and turn down conversations. When we are putting so much into others, we need space to process it and not to take on too much. In the past I was the worlds worse at saying yes to everything, so if you still find yourself doing that read Fight the fear, because there’s a whole chapter on how to say no (usually without having to say the word.)
  4. Learn to accept help. I sometimes have no idea how someone can help me, but by saying “Yes some help would be great, thank you.” Others tend to suss what they could do for you to lighten your metaphorical load.
  5. Trust and faith. There is a very real possibility that despite the hard work, determination and dedication of a lot of people we could still fail when it comes to my family member. I must hold on to trust and faith and believe that no matter what happens we will find a way through. In our darkest days these are driving forces for good.
  6. Lastly do the things you love – work hasn’t felt like work for years, and as such I love work. It is a great escape because when you are coaching it is like your own beliefs, thoughts and experiences disappear – it is in essence why coaching is so powerful because you bring no judgement or preconceived notions to the table enabling the coachee to really hone in on what matters to them (truly) and how to get it through the science of who they are. So, I can escape every day to a joyous place and remember the other 5 top tips I share with you.

One that is not available to you, is that last hour in bed  every night with my hubby and our tiny fluffy hound, talking, reading and watching a box set. Where I know no matter what I have love, and isn’t that what we all want in the end?

  • November 12, 2019

Role models – why bother?

For all of my adult life I’ve had role models, although I had no idea I did or the impact they were having!

As a child my role model was Ms Carter. My history teacher, my school mentor (we used to have those and that was awesome!) and introducer to Annie Lennox (which then followed a brief obsession to go with my love of black and mens shirts…

But I digress.

In my twenties I found a brief unsettling time where I looked around a soulless office of 50+ people and few people inspired me, don’t get me wrong there were nice people, but no one I could turn to and ask “how did you do that?” or think “Wow, aren’t they awesome!”

Thankfully I have been in tune with my emotional intelligence and worked on my mindset since my late teens mandie holgate leadership coaching and spotted the damage this environment was doing to me and quickly I was back in the groove and my role models were all men.

While I know many will be disheartened by this, I wasn’t. (Back then.)

It was the early 90’s and I had lived a life where my parents, peers and colleagues just accepted everyone for who they were (lucky right?) So I didn’t really know anything about the ism’s that plague our 21st Century world (and the happiness and success we experience as a result!)

Ultimately it meant that I just saw the ethics, characteristics, communication techniques, attitudes, beliefs, etc of these business men and implanted them and it led to me being one of the youngest female body shop managers in the automotive industry – it had never occurred to me that my body could impact on the way I was viewed in the world or what I could do!

Jump forward to Mummyhood and of course my Mum was my role model as was my Nan, both awesome matriarchs, that cooked everything from scratch, taught us to read long before school, listened to every inane question (no matter how many we asked) and helped us to grow into adults.

When I returned to work as a coach over 14 years ago I decided very consciously that I needed to find someone to look up to.

To inspire me.

To motivate me.

To enable me to challenge my beliefs and perceived limitations.

I knew that if I was going to achieve big, make a success of my own business and achieve some ambitious goals, I’d need that.

But that’s where I realised my role model world was lacking. The ism’s where here and with a young daughter as well as a son I found myself asking “Where are the female role models?” “Is this going to impact on me and the next generation and more importantly what can we do about it?” Okay so you probably know I’m the Founder of the multi award winning The Business Womans Network and Founder of The Business Womans Networkthat made a massive difference to me.

Back then I was petrified of public speaking (I mean so scared I would leave the room rather than talk and I severely lacked confidence – yes my self confident appearance and self belif is self taught and yes it means I feel epicly confident to say I can rocket anyone’s self confidence.)

So my role models were amazing business women like Dinah Liversidge (who is coming back to the BWN this year) who taught me about reputation and credibility. Mary Keightley who taught me about power and the hidden communications that damage so many people’s success and then there are people like Susan Pattrick who I’ve always admired for her tenacity, dedication and determination to change the world for disabled people. (I’ve just thought I wonder if they know how big an impact they’ve had on my career!)

However as my own career soared I found that the people that I still admire weren’t right for me as role models.

How could that be?

Did Susan, Dinah and Mary stop being awesome? Did they stop inspiring me? No of course not. But I wanted more, but what?

I’m someone that wouldn’t be committed to coaching and it’s power if I didn’t have coaching and mentoring too and over the past few years I’ve really struggled to find the right role model for me as I’ve worked on my goals and success.

Yes, there’s Oprah (who doesn’t love Oprah!)

And Yes there’s Michelle Obama, but it wasn’t right for some reason.

I started to get hints of who would motivate inspire me in the most bizarre ways. (I like to put it out there, that I’m looking for something and it usually turns up!) Thanks to Lupus and the need to rest and severe insomnia caused by the medications I get to see some awesome documentaries on BBC1 in the middle of the night. Check out Stacey Cunningham the first female President of the New York Stock Exchange in 226 years!

And what a story about Billy jean king and her world view changing tennis match against Sexist Misogynistic“Women are weaker and not worth the ticket price or prize money in tennis” Bobby Riggs (Interestingly for me the match was four days before I was born!)

But still not quite right. So I kept searching until they magically appeared (don’t you love that?)

Of course it wasn’t magic. It was clear visualisation (and not day dreaming) it was;

  • What do I want my role models to do for me?
  • How will they impact on my personal and professional life?
  • What do I want them to represent?
  • How have they changed the world? (Metaphorically, locally, nationally, internationally, industry wise.)

And they aren’t exactly your standard role models. I realised I was looking for role models in main stream ways. With the media’s take on the world (something I’m never keen to rely on.) And that wasn’t enough. I needed to think more abstract.

Me at the house of lords.

Bring forth my role models!

The Cutty Sark – my family are from Greenwich, my grandfather and my great grandfather where in the merchant navy and I’ve a deep love and fascination with the sea. Hence my love of this stunning ship. Check out this ships history and you will see a stunning state of the art ship, at the forefront of the tea runs, changing history, an entrepreneurial spirit to inspire and yet facing such adversity how the heck did it ever survive and not get scuttled like so many other ships?

(It reminds me of my tenacity and determination to achieve anything I wish to. Fire, murder, Icebergs, innovative ideas to overcome extreme situations, the Cutty Sark went through them all! Yep she does it for me.)

Then there’s Leonardo Da Vinci – This man was a master of so many things and yet experienced a plethora of failures, criticism, harsh opinion, even forced to leave his home country but yet he is remembered (and with due cause) as someone that has changed the world. Do you know there are many inventions to this day that have not been bettered from Da Vinci’s original designs? Now that’s awesome!

And lastly my final role models are private to me. They are some of the women that I spend my life working with. I think I dedicate this article to them, because we rarely appreciate the power we have to influence positively those around us. As such they will remain private to ensure they continue to work so powerfully for me.

ACTION; Take just 5 minutes today to ask yourself;

  • Who are my role models?
  • Why are they my role models?
  • How do they positively influence, empower, impact and inspire my life?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading. I’m over on social media a lot and love to talk and hear your thoughts, problems and stories, so do feel free to connect.

  • January 8, 2019